REVIEWED
7/7/04

STORY



LOOK

Super Mario Bros.
Director: 4 Different People(!)
Year: 1993
TRT: 1:44


It's amazing, really. Not only the fact that this is based off of a Nintendo game, or that waaaaay too much money was spent on making it, not to mention (but I will), that Dennis Hopper, Bob Hoskins and the punkish John Leguizamo star in it. Preconceived notions of this film would have you believe that it's the worst film ever made. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty bad. The plotline is ludicrous, the majority of the effects are laughable, and just the fact that it's BASED OFF OF A DONKEY KONG CHARACTER is just plain sad. But the truth is, perhaps because of my low expectations, it was better than I thought it was going to be. I was pretty much set on giving this fucker a double shitheap rating. But I can't, because there are a few (very few) shining moments that actually make this so bad it's not good, in an Ed Wood kind of way.

I must ponder WHAT the FUCK were they thinking with this synopsis? After a meteor struck the Earth however many millions of years ago, it created an "alternate reality" in which dinosaurs still lived. Take a few moments to digest that, along with the fact that this is SUPER MARIO BROS. Okay, then the love interest, who just so happens to be a huge dinosaur bone digger and a mysterious past, gets caught up in some fucking stupid plot to get her back to the alternate universe where everyone still pretty much looks like they're human but they're dinosaurs inside or some stupid thing. I'm not sure, really didn't make much sense (or perfect sense?). And while Dennis Hopper does put in quite the performance, it's no Waterworld. Toned down a bit, you know. Then these fuckin' Brooklyn plumbers get mixed up in it all (quite the touching backstory), all so the movie can incorporate live-action shots from the great wealth of video games it had spawned up until the time of this release (though I don't believe Mario ever actually jumped a barrel in the movie, the ingrate bastards!).

There's so many wrong things about this movie. I don't particularly recommend it to anyone unless you're really, really drunk and have 104 minutes to kill, and it's on cable. There's so many better b-movies out there that I can't imagine this one would peak interests above any of the others. I am the DMR trooper, so I had to sit through it (damn these themes!). The option is there, but you can't be surprised that the studio who produced this is no longer around. I wonder why? No, not really, this is a joke from start to finish. The money! Great Hey-Zeus! Fortunately the system's had 20 years or so to finesse the video game-to-movie transition. Q-Bert: The Movie anyone? I gotta script for it around here somewhere. No, wait, give me 15 minutes. 30, tops...

Great Scene: I wouldn't exactly call it great, but a humorous one where Hoskins (Mario) tries to seduce a husky black woman out of her necklace, while sporting a pimpin' suit. Yeah.

DVD Notes: Basic DVD put out by Buena Vista in Widescreen. Sorry, no extras on this puppy.