The Whole Nine Yards
Director: Jonathan Lynn
Year: 2000
TRT: 1:39

I had to give at least one bottle to the look, as I couldn't give this film a double-piss rating. There are much worse films (but how much so? Not much). I'm glad this was something checked out from the library (thank dog nobody in my family paid $4 to rent this crap) It was lying on the table of my parent's place, and after driving 15 hours and drinking approximately 144 oz. of Mt. Dew on the drive out, I may have not been in the best of minds while watchin it (beers were also definitely involved, didn't help). The main star would be Bruce Willis, but it's just a vehicle for some lame physical comedy by the chode from the tv show Friends. "Which one?" you ask. Like it matters. I haven't watched the show enough to see if this is a regular type of routine of his, but the bumbling, clueless dude with low-self esteem doesn't seem like much of a stretch from the what, ten years he's been working on that character? For all that and they play out some horrible gags. And Willis's natural charm must not have been included in the budget, cuz he's about as intriguing as a pet rock (tie for his performance in The Jackal...yikes!). And the whole setup on the Suburbia aspect of the film is pretty much lost after the opening sequence (yet was a big marketing point for the movie, apparently, which I imagine helped support the actual title of the film, but more on that later).

Some of the lighting was just atrocious, I've seen better in car commercials shot on videotape. And most of the budget must have gone to into the lame, out-of-place hats many of the characters wear at some point in time to leave nothing left for the proper digitizing of the film. Apparently nobody cared enough about the movie to worry about it. (Artifacting even in the well-lit scenes, not just the dark ones. PA-thetic!). Funny thing is, most houses tag the end of the credits with their little animation to let everyone know who did it. I specifically went back to replay the credits, only to find the tag suspiciously absent. What a joke.

Two final notes on this atrocity of a movie and DVD. I have absolutely no idea where the title of the movie comes from. I'm pretty sure I didn't catch the reference to it, which is hard to imagine considering how enthralling the plot was. Maybe it was the title of the good movie they were supposed to shoot, but the script was mangled in the photocopier beyond belief, and this was all they could piece together.

Secondly there are a couple of lame extras on the DVD (basically soundbites with each of the actors, Willis particularly doesn't seem too thrilled [go figure]), but the fact that as bad of a movie as this is, and everyone had to of known it, there is still a Commentary track by director Jonathan Lynn. If anything follows this review, it means I am truly a sadomasochist to put myself through the movie again, but I have to wonder if the commentary isn't just one long apology. Or even a short one, that would be a lot better. Kinda like Bluto in Animal House smashing the guitar to bits, then just shrugging and saying sorry, and wandering away. And the studios wonder why they don't make money off their films. Pure dreck. Avert your eyes if you happen to glance at it on the shelf at your local, non-Blockbuster-affiliated video store. And if you see anyone actually looking at the movie jacket (possibly intrigued by its silly antics), strike the box from their hand and spit on it. That should give 'em a pretty good indication of how this movie should be handled. It's not even so bad it's funny, it's just. plain. bad.

[post mortem: I couldn't bring myself to listen to the commentary, it was just too painful. I did some crossword puzzles instead. And I see that there will be a sequel made to this film. Surprise, surprise, the cockknockers have spoken, and it is goo.]