poster

Jupiter Ascending
Director: The Wachowskis
Year: 2015
TRT: 2:07

Reviewed: 7/30/2024
VIDEO REVIEW

Not gonna say this movie is a complete load of suck, but, yeah, it’s close to the bottom…You’ve been warned. The directors directed a few more between this and the Matrix trilogy, and it just kinda follows the diminishing returns of a lot of CGI to compensate for not much of a substantial story. Particularly here, there’s some CGI fights that are as empty as the 8 beer cans it took me to make it through watching this. The acting is about that stellar, too. I go into story so-called “plot” points some would consider spoilers that I usually avoid, here I would say this can be considered a time saver if it helps at least one person avoid this film.

There’s an illegal alien in Chicago. She says it, right off the bat. So that kinda sets a tone. There’s a plotpoint about harvesting the earth because we’ve about reached the oversaturation point. Evilness in bureaucracy that has a heavy Brazil influence (quite literally, noted below). Some 5th Element vibes and Game of Thrones family kinda stuff, but significantly lamer. Divine purposes driven by profit. Fkn hell, they even say it. I don’t think this movie had much of a purpose beyond selling some hackneyed social istic “world views” while trying to be a cool live action anime-style space adventure, and failing hard on the latter. Because overall this shit was lame. Not even Boromir could save this. And the Main Actor guy? He has the acting depth of Barney Rubble in this. Sheesh.

Even back when this movie first came out, I shied away from it. Didn’t see anything good about it, had better things to do like cut my toenails an’ shit. But thematic DMR circumstances layed this turd in my lap, so I figured I’d take the bullet and deal with finding out if it’s just as suspect as I imagined. It is. And more so, in almost every scene that plays out. Not so much plays, as limps along. Lamely, as limp usually implies. And the runtime makes is it ...hard to get through. This movie, while lookin pretty with all the CGI, is just vacuous along with the horrendous writing. For such an advanced civilization portrayed here, their building skills is pretty shite. Kind of an extra spoiler alert here, they apparently hired the Death Star architect for their city planning. What dreck. The last word I wrote in my notes was Turd. After writing this and reviewing the written notes, I concur. Giant. Turd.


Crapfest CGI Scene: There’s some kind of battle over Chicago. At dusk. In greys. In similar ships. So it’s one giant mudfest where you don’t really know what the fuck is going on, nor do you care. I imagine a lot of time and talent and energy were expended to make that extended scene of ineptitude. What a waste. What trash.

Great Scene: There are no great scenes here, only mediocre ones. And that’s being generous. Spies Like Us star Terry Gilliam actually makes an appearance exemplifying the Brazil-ness of the bureaucracy, but that’s like finding a tic-tac in a turd. Repetition, it works. But the tone of the whole bureaucracy thing just doesn’t fit well into the overall story either. I’d use a synonym for turd here but apparently the interwebs says there are none and I am so uninspired, I can’t even be bothered to spend more time on this bung tater of a movie.


STORY

turd

LOOK

beer half



THE DMR