Unfiltered first take, this is, sad to say, a painful film from Switzerland. I had high hopes for it, and I really tried to like it. At Planet Desert Rock VI, I talked with this guy Mark from Switzerland who really talked it up. He’s from Switzerland, so, he’d know, right? It’s literally branded as a Swissploitation film. And I think Mark may have been a bit biased, having come all the way from Switzerland and all. But damn, this one is a rough watch, even with a healthy dosing of beer and cheese to snack on. Well, if I had any Swiss cheese on hand. Which I didn’t. So maybe my Cheddarland cheese unconsciously biased me against the Swiss. Damn you, Cheddarland! And, thank you, you are delicious. Plus, I probably shouldn’t have watched this AFTER The Bicycle Thieves. That does set a bit of a higher bar, cinematically speaking.
Plot here is bad Nazi Swiss government and their cheese = good, all other cheese = bad. Heidi and her “boyfriend” Goat Peter (seriously), who’s bringing contraband goat cheese to the masses illegally, is Illegal! What ensues is a rather horribly scripted, overly cliché, terribly stereotyped take on the classic story “Heidi” which I assume is like The Sound of Music or somesuch, I dunno, I never read it because there’s no Wizards or trolls or Magic Cats or cannabilisms involved. I think. Like I said, never read it. But this? Whoo boy. I can look past some stuff. But This is a Lot of Stuff, that I really have no idea why it would be committed to digital film except to abuse the viewer and make them hate Movies and life in general. So much self hate here on display. I don’t mind the craziness of it, it’s just plain painful in plottenings. Except for Casper Van Dien, bless his actoring heart. He emotes the shit outta it.
Given the brief seconds of the trailer viewed on a cell phone, I was expecting some over-the-top CGI craziness like Planet Terror or Iron Sky or Sisu. It is that, in spades. But damn. I guess it was crowd-sourced to make. Apparently they crowd-sourced the script as well, from the retarded side of the interwebs. Death to the patriachy, long live the matriarchy, blah blah blah. While taking Cheese literally to the next level, it’s not the fun savory so-bad-it’s-good kind. It STANKS! CGI can only pretty it up so much. So, Sorry Mark, I’ll stick to Switzerland’s Graveyard for the music, but for the cheese? Maybe Germany. Or the Wisconsins before they make cheese illegal. Given some people out there, it’s only a matter of time.
