Absolutely positively the best movie ever, that is based on Topps trading cards. Fuck you, Garbage Pail Kids, you are awful. Shit, I think I even have a few reprinted cards floating around somewhere from when they released this. Pure 50s scifi cheesiness that back then overtly allegoried the Red Scare of the time, now updated to the 90s, replacing allegory with Foxy Brown and half of Tenacious D. The acting is as bombastic as the the eventual attacks. The CGI, also cheesy, is surprisingly well integrated especially considering when this was released. Except for the Parker chick’s head thing. That puts this into pure horror film territory. Seriously, that face isolated? No. Just...no.
We are introduced to stampeding flaming cows and a flying saucer speeding off. Things get weirder after that. Multiple points of view between Washington D.C., Las Vegas, New York and Fucksitall, Kansas, home of Donut World. Alien life is discovered, flying their saucers right at us! The President consults his “think tank” made up of Media Stooge, Military Hard-Ass, Military Peacenik, and Professor Asshat. The aliens take over our airwaves and make the universal sign for the donut. We make contact. Some hippy dude releases a dove and, well, shit hits the fan. Fuck you, peace doves! How many interplanetary wars have you started now? Fuckers. Go shit in a John Woo movie, I’m done with ya! Stupid birds. Then the Martians proceed to Attack, as the title of the movie implies, in a mostly heinous and ludicrous manner. Nobody and no place is safe!
Tim Burton directing. Danny Elfman on score. Tom Jones on the microphone droppin mad Vegas beats. Wow. This movie is Pure Cheese, in the best possible way. Great ensemble cast, including two roles by Jack Nicholson. Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Jame Bond #6, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Horseface, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, a few more most will recognize. But damn, Tom Jones. Great-ish singer. Acting? Eh, not so much. But that dude can pilot a mthfkn plane! The Plot is, well, based on some trading cards. Some fuckin cool crazy scifi alien death and destruction cards, but, you know, pretty cardboard that came with gum. However, the dark comedy that Burton injects throughout is absolutely hilarious. Who doesn’t laugh when a flying saucer blows up major monuments and, when falling, use their ship to redirect it onto a gaggle of escaping boy scouts? It’s sick, it’s demented, but given the overall plot of the movie, also kinda funny. Interesting to note, this is the prequel to John Carpenter’s They Live. Maybe. Eh, Probably not. But it should be. Would have lightened the mood for Roddy. Here, we have a bunch of Ack Ack Acks running around, shootin lasers and ray-guns, pulling morbid pranks and huffin nuclear bombs like helium. Awesome.