poster

Phantoms
Director: Joe Chappelle
Year: 1998
TRT: 1:36

Reviewed: 8/30/2025
VIDEO REVIEW

Based on a book by Dean Koontz. Now, I know it. You know it. I like to use a certain word from time to time. Is it juvenile? Yes. But it is effective. So I must give credit to the author here for whenever I want to indulge in a little profane not-profanity. But only in the plurals. Otherwise a singular C-word is just a Koont.

The story here is a decent enough setup as older sister is doing some kind of intervention for her sis from L.A. Small town in the mountains of Colorado, not quite ski season yet so a good isolation,. But unfortunately for them, shit seems to have gone a bit off in the town of Snowfield. A responding Sheriff and his deputies are also there to witness some...pretty. Odd. Shit. And it does ramp up a bit from there. Quite a bit, really.

I never watched this before just because Koontz, like Clive Barker, they like Temu Stephen King but without the halfway interesting characters. So, yeah, they’re a bit...shitsticky. And Ben Affleck? Despite the internet praise out there of him being “da bomb in Phantoms, yo!” from one juiced Jay of the Jay and Silent Bob crew, I guess I just always found something else to watch. Affleck was kinda a dick in Dazed and Confused so that kinda stuck for awhile, even through the early Kevin Smith endeavors. Here five years later? Still not a particularly good actor. He keeps tryin though, so I’ll give him that. To balance it out, Liev Schreiber is the real deal here with his oddly unsettling character, as is the utterly classy Peter O’Toole as the most awesomest of journalists. I’ll give credit to Cthulhu Jack for helping me in giving this a chance as a Lovecraft kind of story. Usually those occur at sea level or in the freezing Antarcticas of the SOUTH Pole, unless you believe The Thing From Another World and its North Pole shenanigans is true (it is NOT, MacCready proved it in the filmatic correction known as….The Thing). So yeah, gotta say, does have a good creepy vibe starting quick from like 5 minutes in, and builds from there. Not great but has some interesting fkd up stuff I guess, with at least one scene definitely going full Lovecraftian.


Great Scene: Spittin’ a Lizard. Totally not a euphemism for throwing up an iguana.

Mothra Notes: Mini-Mothra? Not scary. Devastating, but fuckin hell. Moths continue to not be intimidating. Unless you are a felt coat or something. I dunno, they like corduroy too, I think. Fkn moths. Who makes that a monster in your story? That part was kinda tarded.

Affleck Poem Notes: Even in 2003, Affleck was failing pretty hard. It even inspired me to write a haiku that isn’t a haiku about it. It is titled ”An Ode to a Chode That is Named Ben Affleck”. So I guess it is more of an ode than a haiku.


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