Stupid power outages. But it happened right after credits rolled, so I get to revisit this story. Again. Mostly watched just because of Luc Besson, so at least it will be stylishly shot, right? Yes. In that part, it is alright. Nice and dark and gothy where necessary. There’s a few changes to the original Bram Stoker story. Mostly questionable. But instead of going full gore, this one is pretty PG-13, melodramatic, and instead of a horde of hot vampire chicks, he gives us...gargoyles? Skips the whole ship voyage by putting it in Paris. Plus a subplot about perfume? It’s...kinda lame. And melodramatic.
We all know the plot. Lost love. Forsakes God, kills his local pope-guy, damned to live eternally as a blood-suckin’ freak.
While all serious, there’s some silly foreplay and Michael Jackson choreography thrown into the mix, plus a fucked up scene with a tower of nuns. Most of the only decent parts involve the Science vs Religion debate, with Science just throwing up its hands when it sees, yeah, that’s a fuckin vampire. Christoph Waltz does good as the Vatican Fixer for the “delicate cases,” filling in as the totally not-Van Helsing role to fit the pieces together. But damn, for being as bad-ass as he is on the battle field, Vlad the Second, Prince of Wallachia, is such an emotional bitch. Not too many surprises overall. While a lot of fun, Besson’s The Fifth Element does actually have a lot of lame parts to it too. But at least it had some entertaining weird energy to it. This one is pretty limp. And has ghey gargoyles.
